never gets easier

Invite someone into your heart
They'll burn it to the ground
Tell your deepest secrets
So they can spread around
Violently unstable
Emotionally a mess
Every conversation
Subconsciously a test

One word to get it started
One more to come undone
It started out as nothing
Now that's all that it's become

Regret

It is that dusky time of night. The sun, red and bloated from a long day's work, is slipping lazily below the horizon. Clouds of chittering birds flap hither and yon, guided by that strange magic of nature invisible to people. Closer to the ground, there is a homestead, its porch angled to catch the slanting orange rays of the setting sun, casting long shadows at right angles behind it. It sits resplendent, if a little stark, among the winter-shorn fields of grass around it. The fields are stained autumnal by the last of the sunlight leaking from the horizon. A faint breeze whispers past taking the day’s warmth with it, with the assurance that it will soon be dark and cold. There is a figure on the porch. A man, with a face that belies the number of sunsets he has seen, is sitting in an old wicker chair on the porch. He gazes out onto the tableau with the air of a man in a deep reverie, although truth be told he is not thinking much. He finds it more like this than he used to, although he is not entirely displeased. He feels that he has done enough thinking in his life to allow for indulgences like these moments. A faint crackle emanates from the cigarette he is holding, prompting him to bring it up to his mouth to inhale, the glowing butt aping the colours of the setting sun. He hears the screen door creak behind him, but does not turn. Onto the porch steps a small boy, one who could scarcely have much of a claim to deep thinking but is approaching an age where adults and their actions no longer seem huge and incomprehensible. The boy is out on the porch hoping to escape the notice of his mother for a little longer, before she chastises him in to washing up before dinner, a practice he does not see the need for (privately, she does not either but old habits are hard to break). In any case, he is not there to watch the sunset but it makes a nice backdrop all the same. He glances at his grandfather for a moment, then sits on the steps of the porch a few feet away from the chair, with his chin resting in his hands, and is quiet.
After a time, the man breaks the silence.
‘Enjoying the sunset, kiddo?’ The boy considers this for a moment.
‘Yeah. It’s pretty. All the colours.’
‘It’s real nice this time of year isn’t it?’ He pauses to inhale deeply from a new cigarette that somehow found its way into his hand without realising he finished had the old one.
‘Do you watch it every day?’ the boy asks.
‘Most days, if the weather’s good, and I remember in time. Sun doesn’t stay out long this time of year.’
‘Doesn’t it get boring, watching the same thing every day?’ the boy says, in a tone that indicates he could think of a dozen more exciting things he’d rather be doing, and that Grandpa is pretty boring for wanting to do this. The man smiles.
‘Gotta make time in your life for the small things, son. Otherwise one day they’ll be gone and you’ll regret it. You’ll understand when you’re older.’
The boy thought about this for a moment. He didn’t quite understand why you’d want to waste time on the small things, whatever those were, when there were bigger and presumably better things you could be doing. He cocks his head and looks at his grandfather curiously.
‘Grandpa, what does it mean to regret?’
‘Oh, that’s a tough one kid…you sure you don’t want to ask your mother?’ He winks at the boy and muses over it.
‘She’s busy cooking dinner. I want you to tell me.’
‘Alright then son, alright. Hmm. Regret.’ He falls silent for a while, thinking, and the boy is about to repeat the question, thinking grampa has forgotten, when he speaks again.
‘Regret is feeling bad for something that you did, or maybe didn’t do. It’s…I guess it’s feeling like you made the wrong choice. Especially when it hurts someone else.’ He shakes his head at the incomplete vagueness of his answer.
‘I don’t get it. Why would you decide to do something that’s wrong, if it’s gonna hurt someone? Can’t you just not do it?’ The boy speaks with the surety of a child who is not yet grown up enough to know that the world is anything but just.
‘Doesn’t quite work that way when you’re a grown-up.’ The boy grimaces at this and the old man laughs. ‘Okay, okay, I can see you’re tired of that line. Nobody goes about trying to do the wrong thing – well, no sensible person anyway. If you’re a good person, you don’t want to hurt other people. Life ain’t so black and white though, once you get out there into the big wide world. Things don’t get given to you in boxes marked ‘right’ and ‘wrong’ – it’s up to you to try and decide what you feel is right or wrong. Trouble is, everyone’s got different ideas about what’s right and what’s wrong. See, I bet you think eating icecream for dinner every night would feel pretty right, eh?’ The boy nods vigorously and the old man chuckles. ‘Pretty sure your mama would say it’s wrong, and she got good reasons too. Wanting something doesn’t automatically make it right. Do you see what I’m saying?’
The boy wants to say no, that he should be able to have icecream for dinner if he wants, but he feels this is one of those rare moments where he’s not being treated like a kid, so he tries to respond in kind, by slowly nodding his head. The man appraises him for a moment, then continues.
‘Regret is when you do something you thought was right, but then later on you realise it was wrong. It’s the feeling you get when you wish you could go back in time, change whatever it is that you did to not make the choice you made.’
‘How does something right turn into something wrong?’
‘It’s the way of the world kid. If we all just lived in caves by ourselves you’d never need to regret hurting someone else – but you might regret always being alone. It’s the trade-off we make to be around other people – you gotta live with the fact that some day, you’re gonna hurt someone doing what you think is right for you. You might see it coming, you might not, but it’ll happen. And there’s no mistaking that feeling when you think I wish I could go back in time and change that. But you can’t. And that’s regret.’
‘That sounds bad.’
‘It surely is kid, it surely is. Happens to all of us, to some degree.’ At this the boy shakes his head defiantly, and the old man is surprised.
‘Not me. I’m never gonna regret anything. I’ll always do the right thing by everyone.’ And he looks so fiercely passionate in this belief that it’s hard not to believe he won’t remember this moment when he is a grown man, out in the same world that grows older and meaner by degrees, as our histories grow and our memories shrink, as the circle of life is revealed to be people continuously repeating the same mistakes, creating them while trying to avoid them. As we realise that at the end of our lives, regret is all we have left undone, all that we could have been and all that we never will.
‘All you can do is try, kid. All you can do is try’.

expiration date

Never say never
However unlikely
You might think you're sure
But he never might be
There's tricks
And there's trades
And there's whispers for days
But you know he won't make the final cut.

The gas lamp is lit now
You can't find your way out
You're moving in circles
There's no end in sight

You & Yours

I hope the love was worth it
Because all I see is hate
You cry that you're the victim
But you know that don't negate
All the lying cheating fuckery
The wrong shit that you did
It's not just you it's not just me
We all know what you hid

Try to restore now
A sense of control now
We all see you failing
Just you and your plaything
Just you and your plaything

Time is moving forward
But you're stuck with what you made
I thought it was important
Now I don't know why I cared
Something lost was never found
You lost your dignity
You burnt it down into the ground
Right where we all could see

Don't try to explain
No don't talk at all
Don't spoil the spectacle
Of watching you fall

Try to restore now
A sense of control now
There's nothing worth saving
Just you and your plaything
Just you and your plaything

get close enough to kill

Strange lies
In strange times
The colour
Of your eyes
Of envy
Now you've seen
What you can
Take from me

Better hide your feelings
Before they give you away

Keep friends close
Enemies
Take from them
What you please
Cos they have
What you need
Oh, they won't give it away

Better hide your feelings
Before they give you away

You know you're running out of time
The danger than you pay no mind
Running (x20)

You won the battle, but lost the war
(and it's all over now)
What were you even fighting for
(do you even know how)
It's over now, just let me be
(oh no)
You've taken all you'll get from me

monster in disguise

I see you coming for me
But I won't let you in
For I know all your secrets
And I know where you've been
And I know what you mean when
You say nothing at all
Stand there simply watching
And you just let me fall

It takes a certain kind of
Monster in disguise
To ignore the pain the heartbreak
The terror in my eyes
With one hand pull me closer
And tell me to be strong
But the other hand is pointing
To all that I did wrong

It's a land of confusion
In the silence
We drift on by
We drift on by

So slowly did it happen
When did I realise
The nature of you changing
A monster in diguise
A painful kind of notion
Most cathartic of release
Didn't know I needed freedom
Until you set me free
Now everything is different
And I am not the same
No longer to engage you
No more to play that game

It's a land of confusion
In the silence
Don't ask me why
Don't ask me why
We drift on by

House Call

Is to be going with this: https://soundcloud.com/ntropy/house-1-13-4-2015

Can't you see anything
Any way possible
Open your eyes
And move into the future
Take what you need
And don't give a thought now
You're running with me
I won't stand in your way

Every time we get close
To an answer
I feel your emotions
The way that you play
Please understand that
This moment is bigger
It matters no more now
What we do or say

Take what you need x8
This won't stop can't get enough x8

Now I think we might
Have misunderstood
Our unspoken agreement
The state of our play
So let's keep it simple
I'll kiss you goodbye
When you walk out that door
Maybe see you again

This won't stop can't get enough x8

everyone knows

So wait just a minute
And tell me the truth
These are not words
I want to hear from you
These things that you know
Now you just have to say
Some secrets won't keep
You can't stand in their way

It's not like I haven't
Gone through this before
You thinking you slick
But you can be assured
Every glance every gesture
Every word unsaid
You're talking to me but
She's the one in your head

I don't know I can't be sure
If you came walking through that door

It's not the way
Not the way
Not the way
It's meant to be

I can't hide
I can't hide
I can't hide
The way it makes me feel

But you chose
But you chose
But you chose
To simply leave

And you don't
And you don't
And you don't
Give a fuck about me

need it want it get it

One two three four
You don't need no permission
You don't need to
Give no explanation
I can see why
You think in this condition
That we are just
The perfect proposition

I'm moving for ya
Can't you see my body work
I don't own ya
But I won't keep you in the dark
Some people
I don't think they'd understand
Just trust me
Go ahead and take my hand

It's not love
It's not love I'm asking you for
It's not love
It ain't no sign from above

Simple feelings
You know they just get in the way
It's not a lifetime
It's not even for half a day
So move over
And time to let me take the wheel
Just give into
Everything that you might feel

It's not love
You know what I'm asking you for
It's not love
Just take it and run

It's not love
We both know that's not what we're here for
It's not love
Oh baby let's go have some fun

walk away

Is going to be this https://soundcloud.com/cat-party-2/80s-synth-italo-disco

It's not my fault
You chose to act
Without your
Dignity intact
And by the way
I think you'll find
I haven't changed
A single mind

I told you now
I told you then
You knew damn well
How this would end
You thought you could
Just walk away
Without a single
Thing to say

It's not my fault
Don't make it mine
I'm not the one who
Crossed the line

And I know sometimes it's hard
And I know sometimes I fall apart

But it's not my fault
Don't make it mine
I'm not your
Enemy this time

You just got up and
Walked away
And now there's nothing
Left to say

You got me running on empty (x7)
Just walk away

Just walk away

hearts are dead

The agony of ecstasy

No it don't mean a thing to me

You made your choice and walked away

So save it for another day

I asked you once I asked you twice

You made me promise I'd be nice

To smooth the way for you to leave

And never fucking mind my grief

And now

It's all that's in my head

No you chose

To pay the price instead

Oh so now

You're leaving now you're dead

All the things you never said

I simply cannot understand

But did you even have a plan

Or go forth blindly like a mole

So fuck you and enjoy your hole

It's funny

How we change

You said

I was deranged

I

I don't know what to say

It's probably

Better that way

And now

You've all but left my head

Although there's

Much I have not said

I know

That this will not be read by

Lying eyes and hearts that are dead

Your heart is dead x7

How we got here

Where once there stood a house of love
There now blooms only silence
With summer leaves stripped from the trees
By winter's icy portents
Our love so strong and pure and clean
There slowly crept a taint
When no more was fair the score
Beneath the peeling paint
A house of bones, deceit and lies
Was nothing ever real
Just as it crumbles into dust
The emptiness I feel

falling apart

I talk to myself when I'm lonely
Talk to myself when I am alone
I talk to myself all day
Never get any answers that way

I feel like no-one ever listens
And if they do then they don't even care
Ever had a voice so small
It's like you're not really talking at all

The end of it all

It's a knife deep inside
Your smile keeps it twisting
They're wounds I can't hide
And scars that are glistening
I've tried being the good girl
All quiet and meek
But all that has taught me
Is the answers I seek
Are not found in your arms
Or in meaningless gestures
But the words gone unspoken
And the silence that festers